When the Sun Sets on Me…
…I will be walking down this road where I began my journey. I don’t need a light; my eyes have got accustomed to the dark of my previous journeys. I have stumbled and fallen but I made it through. So now I’m not afraid to walk in the dark. It’s inviting. I love the way it pulls me in closer, enticing me to touch the void before me. Teaching me new things, teaching me to love what I have, teaching me to be who I want to be. And as I walk on, I smile; the darkness can see me smiling, because I am one with the darkness. To the darkness, I am absolute and it is grateful for my presence, my appreciation and my understanding. It was there to save me when I was blinded by the light. It was there for me when I needed to get lost. It let me build a world of my own, one where I’m free. It knows that I’m not afraid anymore.
Sometime ago, I reached an apex of fear which shattered my mind and sent me reeling. As I picked up the pieces I realized that the only fear I have is the fear for myself. The fear that I will not be capable of handling what I want to do. The fear that I will not be able to be the man that I have to be. The fear that overrides every other emotion in my body and leaves me numb.
I am learning to let go of that fear, slowly. I realized that a shattered soul can be picked up and mended again. I also learnt that when we break once, we are never fully made again. We can put the pieces back together but you can never fill the cracks left, the cracks of the little pieces that get lost. These cracks become the doorway to new pain. When you close yourself to the world and rid yourself of all emotion because you are afraid to get hurt again, pain seeps in through these cracks and reminds us that we are only human and we are allowed to fall. It reminds us why we have to pick ourselves up again. The way I see it pain is just a reminder for us to keep going, it is like a negative stimulant to help us fight.
It was the darkness that taught me this and made me realize. The darkness knows that I have what it takes. We all do. It knows because it is watching, it always was and always will. This is my silent token of gratitude for being the comfort that I wrapped around myself, for shielding me from the light until I was ready to face it, for teaching me that pain is temporary but fear is permanent, for helping me face that fear, for showing me how to stand up tall when I felt like I couldn’t even crawl. Here’s to the darkness. Appreciate it; sometimes it’s all we got.