Eram Quod Es, Eris Quod Sum
Yesterday was a wish that never came true, a brick wall that I ran into. Yesterday was an epitome to the paranoia inside. Everything that I had kept bottled up flooded out of my mind, like an angry swarm of bees. They surrounded me and hounded me, until they sucked me dry, until I lost the peace inside. I tried to smile yet I couldn’t get myself to believe in something further from the reality that I confided in.
In my eyes, you became a disappointment. Through the confusion that blurred my vision I tried to look closer. I saw what I never wanted to see. I saw the things that hurt me, dancing around, mocking me. It was a trap. A trap that I had set, on purpose, giving myself the benefit of the doubt, so that I can find out, and define the truth from the lie. Yet I got caught in it, and I became a victim of my own crime.
I guess I am the one who gave you a reason to look away. I’m the one who pushed you away. With my weird ways and the little world I created inside my mind, I pushed you out. Now it hurts to see you smile with them, when you ignore my eyes and look right through me. But I guess this was eventual, I should have seen it coming. But I was lost in the beauty that was created in front of my eyes to doubt reality between illusion.
I’m getting used to the rubble grazing my back and the debris around me. After all, it is something that I put there. An illusion made for me, by me. It comes together with the flaws that come from within. So next time you see me, there will be a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye, because I’m donning my favorite disguise. There will be laughter to drown the pain, there will be words to hide the shame, there will be smiles to show I’m sane, and my hands to show I am game. And through it all, deep inside, there will be that voice I can’t shut out, the voice that breaks me, silently whispering those words, letting them seep in through the fissures into the weakness of my mind. They will attack my brain and devour it, until there is nothing left but a laugh that is hollow, a smile that is fake, words that are empty and a hand that is spent, to show the world that I exist, yet hide that I’m not alive.