A new divide I created within, to make sense of the infinite futility that lies inside…


What have I become?

Another product of my own insanity, a conception of synthetic redemption, an idea progressed within my whims?

A new divide I created within, to make sense of the infinite futility that lies inside. Disconnecting each thought from the next, I separated my mind, picking out the thoughts, exploring them, developing them further. I progressed myself to create a conception of a whole new side which lay hidden for a long time. I awoke the demon that rested peacefully, occasionally stirred by a random thought. This progress to shatter the silence and break the psychological barriers that trapped me was a breath of fresh air. Finding new things, new ideas, and new emotions gave meaning to a life seduced by repetition. This was my adventure, my idea of an inward walkabout; a journey of soul searching.

I pushed my mind to new limits, challenging it in every possible moment with discipline, indulgence, abstinence and addiction. I ventured into the right and wrong, knowing where to draw the line. Thoughts, feelings and desires were examined, created, destroyed and modified to find the perfect harmony of friction. My mind became the safe place, the shelter I seek when I was tired of the world outside. I closed the door on this newfound compulsion and let no one in. I had the key, only I was allowed. What was once tacit was now full blown chaos. And I loved it, I loved the obscurity, I found it peaceful, and I still do.

I never realized I lost a grip on myself until I fell flat on the ground. At first it felt good to feel liberated, saying and doing things I never would have before. Then it all came crashing down on me like an inverted sea, like a chemical imbalance that cannot find equilibrium, an addiction that refused ejection from the system. I grew distant from the life I knew, I lost my filter, I lost the spectacles of perception I had and embraced a whole new psychedelic experience. I subdued my self to my whims. I disconnected. I separated.

Yes, I became a product of my own insanity, a conception of my synthetic redemption, an idea progressed within my whims. I stared into the darkness long enough for it to stare back at me. I liked what I saw, and I liked what I exposed. Now who I was, fights a defeated battle with who I am. I have created a monster. A monster that will exist till the day I make my choice to defeat it. Until that day, I will live in this disequilibrium finding peace in chaos, concord in friction and solace in obscurity.

Everything changes. Everything remains. Some call it degeneration, some call it progress. But it is what it is, and I am what I am. A figment of my imagination, I always will be.


5 responses

  1. awww πŸ˜›

    December 30, 2009 at 2:25 pm

  2. darkangelruki

    WOW!! I am moved..amazing man! Love it… πŸ™‚

    December 30, 2009 at 2:31 pm

  3. I have never read a more beautiful piece about digression; a separation of the person you are and the person you want to be or the person you were, whichever applies. Can’t really figure it out.
    You were always good at creating an ambivalent and enigmatic piece of writing and this was no different.
    Needless to say, loved it! πŸ™‚

    December 30, 2009 at 2:42 pm

  4. Chavie

    What Sabby said! πŸ˜€

    December 31, 2009 at 7:37 pm

  5. wow! this kinda put in to words some shit i couldnt figure out for my self! awesome work

    January 30, 2010 at 5:00 pm

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