A new divide I created within, to make sense of the infinite futility that lies inside…


Animae Partus (I Am)

I am
I am
I am

I was not
then I came to be
I cannot remember NOT being
But I may have traveled far
very far
to get here

Maybe I was formed in this silent darkness
From this silent darkness
BY this silent darkness

To become is just like falling asleep
You never know exactly when it happens
The transition
The magic
And you think, if you could only recall that exact moment
Of crossing the line
Then you would understand everything
You would see it all

Perhaps I was always
Forever here
And I just forgot
I imagine Eternity would have that effect
Would cause a certain amount of drifting
Like omnipresence would demand omni-absence

Somehow I seem to have this predestined hunger for knowledge
A talent for seeing patterns and finding correlations
But I lack context

Who I am?
In the back of my awareness I find words
I will call myself
And I will spend the rest of forever
Trying to figure out who I am

– Pain of Salvation


Every Thing I Touch

I got into sketching stuff recently, and this is one of the products of my boredom…

The Cherry on Top

Who else comes home after a night out and needs to use the PC for at least a very short time for no real reason, even if you are really tired or completely smashed? Maybe just to listen to some music, surf the web, watch some porn, a quiet wank etc. Only for a short while, before you hit the sack. This is like a compulsory thing for me. The first thing I do when I enter my room is switch on my computer. I could be sleepy as shit, or stoned as fuck, but I need to do it. I come home at 5.00AM – 6.00AM, it’s still the same story. At least half an hour should be spent on the good old PeeCee before bidding good night. The day would be incomplete otherwise.

It’s amazing. Accuse me of insomnia, or accuse me of being a slave to the machine, but it’s the truth. It’s about giving a personal ending to a great day. Be it good or bad, the day needs to be ended in this manner. It’s like a drug habit that can’t be cured. It’s similar to adding the final touch, like icing on a cake. If the day is a sundae, then this is the cherry.

Sometimes when I’m out, maybe sleeping away from home, or I go on some trip, I find myself missing the session, and I never fall asleep properly. I used to attribute the sleepless nights to the fact that I need my own bed, but maybe this is a cause too, you know, you never know? I never feel right in the morning if the night is not completed this way.

So I’m definitely a slave to the machine, I’m ashamed yet I can’t deny. I have accepted the fact and I’m very happy with it. This is how the machines will take over the world one day. I’m merely a pawn in a greater plot.

As I write this I’m stoned out of my mind, and I’m swaying on the chair. The computer screen blinks back at me and typing is a challenge, but I am in such a good place that everything else seems turned down. Massive Attack’s Teardrop is doing wonders to the head as I look for the bakcsplace key. I’m focused on my final touch, saving the reality of a day in the real world to ensure it doesn’t get lost in the dream world.

Today was mellow, for a Saturday. At the start of the day was work and before that there was the Friday night, which means the more tired and sleepy I am today. Then there was hanging out with the other half, the filling lunch from Sandwich Factory, and a smoke up session on the beaches of Mount. A beautiful yet mellow Saturday. Not exactly life on the edge, yet life worth living. And now I’m here ready to turn in early for the night. But I have one more mission, the personal one. This was my mission. My cherry on top. This thing that I call a post. So I think I accomplished it, it’s the end.  Oh wait…

I feel like I can go on into the night
Waiting here in my personal zone
By myself, all alone
Surfing the world, through a widescreen
Of a graciously enslaving machine
It’s a solitary journey
I am my own company
On the stairway to dreams
To peer through the seams
Saving memories of the day
In the back of my head
Locking them sound and safe
To never forget
For tomorrow is yet another day

The End.

Good night.

25 Random Things: A Product of Boredom

Got tagged on Facebook for the ’25 random bullshits’ thing that has taken the world by storm. Damn we all got to find better ways to spend our time. But since there is no alternative yet, here’s a list of 25 things on the randomonium that is me.

1. When I was a kid my dream was to be a detective. I had a spy kit with all the equipment, and I was waiting for a robber to come to the house so I can search for clues and catch the bugger. Robber no come. I cry. I take mold of my own footprint. (LAME!!)

2. I love to dance. I dance like no one else is watching me. If I can’t go crazy on the dance floor I don’t enjoy it at all. Period.

3. There is no Yes or No in life. Accept it.

4. I have gotten used to being misunderstood. Now it’s just a part of being me.

5. When I’m alone, I never get lonely. I enjoy my ‘me’ time. As long as the voices in my head are talking, and I have me, I’m good. I hope it will never ever change.

6. Some of the best highs I have had were on nothing. I can get extremely supernova high on life. It gives me a sense of satisfaction to be able to experience that.

7. When I’m high I have but one Kryptonite. And if you thought I’m revealing that here, well think again.

8. I strongly believe (and put to good use) the phrase ‘Love thy neighbour’ 😀

9. I have become a real internet addict. The first thing I do when I enter my room, at whatever time, is switch on the computer and just browse aimlessly. I think it has something to do with blogging.

10. I have trouble sleeping. I stay up till late on the computer, and when I do become sleepy and go to bed. I can’t sleep. So most of the time I just lie there looking out the window at the sky, wondering what it would be like to fly.

11. I have developed a substantial anarchist persona, and it gets high on being, well, anarchist.

12. Sometimes I wish I was a Velociraptor. (Don’t ask!)

13. I have no clue of what’s going on in the world. I know nothing about politics, the current economy or anything. I used to feel left out and stupid, so I started reading and found them to be boring and I guess I was too stupid to get them. Now I have accepted it, and am OK with me being a current event dud.

14. One of my dreams is to make a movie, something I’m eons away from. I have no experience in this. I only got my love for movies and cinematography and the knack for getting stuck whenever I try to write a script or a story.

15. I need to pee. *leaves desk to take a leak*

16. Since recently, I’ve been having a bad case of memory loss and utter stupidity/clumsiness. I find myself forgetting so many little things and doing things which I cannot really explain, for the sake of saving my slowly slipping façade of sanity.

17. I wish I could remove my brain and study it.

18. I believe that everything will be ok in the end; if it’s not ok then it’s not the end

19. As much as I stand alone, I want to experience the most, fun, exciting and tragic moments with my friends in my presence. When I heard about the LTTE attack on Friday I was at the Wendt. The first thing that came into my mind was to hammer to the Hilton where my friends were. I almost went there had it not been that the roads were closed.

20. I cannot remember what I was going to write for this one (See 16)

21. If to commit suicide is Emo, then what is murder?

22. I realized recently that I have stopped caring about many of the things I used to care about so much within the duration of a year. I live for each day and I think it worries and pisses some people off, but I really don’t care.

23. I have a notebook which I take everywhere to write down my thoughts and ideas whenever I get inspired. I never leave home without it, but I almost always forget to take a pen. (Damn this memory)

24. What inspires me to write? The strangers inside my head. I just listen to their thoughts and views of the world and life. It’s warped and elusive, just the way I like it.

25. I put a lot of thought into this which shows how jobless I really am

I Was Born Intelligent, But Education Ruined Me

This is not just some fancy line on a t-shirt or a cool personal message. Well it is, but it’s also the truth. I guess these fancily cool lines all have some truth in them. I strongly believe that this overused line is absolutely true. Its cliché and I had second thoughts on using it as the title, but all the cool kids use it so I thought what the hell right?

When I go back to the school years, I remember the boring classes, the silly lecturers and the great friends. It brings back great memories, memories which include, being black listed, cutting classes, getting caught cutting classes, copying homework, copying on exams, being punished, lying through my teeth, running away from teachers, laughing at teachers, making them cry, making my parents feel ashamed of me on parents day etc. Yes this was my school life. And yes, I was a good student. 🙂

It feels good to go back to those carefree days when the main problems in life were how to get through the agonizing periods, how to cut classes and not get caught, what to do if we get caught, how to fall asleep without being noticed in class etc. Those were the good old days until I finished my degree, and although education did ruin me, it was one hell of a ride down. Everything from the anal teachers to the exams, from the high walls in school to the compulsory attendance at ACBT, and the friends who took the risks all conspired to make school life great. Yet, the core concept education was a bit on the low low. And this is what I mean by education ruining us.

The following instances take place between the O/L grades to the end of my degree. There are many more instances, but since I seem to suffer from a certain memory loss thing as of recent, these come from the top of my head. I blame it on the education :). So here goes.

– – – – – – – – – –

Econ teacher in school: In the economic graphs, the curve is a straight line (Eh?)

Accounts lecturer: Ey you, in the corner (That’s me) don’t jack around at the back you bloody buggerman (Errr)

Same Accounts lecturer:  You bloody fool you are laughing so hard blood is coming to your moon!! (His English translation of Moona a.k.a face)

Yet again the same Accounts lecturer: Az you can zee the azzerrtz and the liabilitieeez of the company.. (OK Zirr!)

Some other lecturer: This a very impotent topic, please listen carefully (Ah yes this might come in handy)

Promotional Marketing lecturer: If you have any questions please refer to the text book or the internet, don’t come and ask me and waste my time.

Lecturer: Myself is absent today (Translation: I will not be coming for the class later today)

The infamous Accounts lecturer: I’ll knock you on the head with a tokka ok???

Again, the Accounts guy: Please silence, if you don’t my hand will come and hit you, I won’t hit you, but my hand will hit you. Then don’t call me bad man ok? (This is what I call a beautifully done direct translation)

While the Econ lecturer is saying something in class, my friend raises his hand and says:
‘Sir Dr. Dre kiwwa Marshall Mathers ta, 50 Cent ekka wadiya happenna epa, eya 9 sarayak wedi kaala thiyanawa kiyala.’
Lecturer:  Ah yes, (Pause) Ah what?

Lecturer (When asked about the structure of the exam paper): “I’m the lecturer; I’m not supposed to help you with anything. (Go figure)

Student: Sir, what is materialistic culture.
Lecturer: It’s a country where there are lot of raw materials, for example coal mining countries.

And finally, I present the most definite of proof how education ruins us. This is one of the best, if not the best answer I have heard coming out of a lecturer’s mouth!

Student: Sir, what is Confucianism?
Lecturer: It’s a culture where people are confused (Pause). About their religion.


Got this off Whack‘s post about how evil he is. I don’t know whether to be proud or worried 😀


76% Evil and too evil to care!

That’s Right! Beware!

Mindless Indulgence over Education

I have exactly 14 more days for my CIM exams, and I can bravely say that I haven’t even thought about studying. OK so I thought about studying, but that’s it. Instead I’m listening to music and just chilling out. I got into this mad mood to listen to a lot of music today, and to find new music and listen to new artists. This happened at work because both my bosses who normally sit next to and behind me are abroad and I’m alone on my side of the workstation, with the opportunity to do whatever I want and a mind screaming to take that opportunity.

So at work, I spent most of the time, checking out new music on YouTube, my solace in times of boredom. I did some work too, but I focused mainly on the music. I brought this phase home with me, and since then have been listening to various songs without studying. I found a new band, they been around for some time but they are new to me, Mindless Self Indulgence. I guess mindless is the proper name to describe them because I doubt the songs I heard, have a very deep meaning to them, but damn do they rock. I’ve been indulging myself in the songs, Never Wanted to Dance and Shut Me Up, which are so pumped up, they really gets you going. I’m also listening to a lot of The Killers, Placebo and Incubus, my form of therapy since recently. I’m beginning to realize my refreshed Incubus phase is not just a phase.

I don’t know what brought on this total neglect of studying. Maybe I’ll start studying later or tomorrow, maybe I won’t. I planned on studying yesterday and ended up watching a movie, today its music, who knows what tomorrow will bring. I don’t seem to care about it much now. Exams have just become little details in life that just have to be looked at when the proper time comes. Maybe I’ll freak out then and cram my ass of, but I will leave that also for another day. There’s 14 days more, I still have time… I think.

I’m writing this as a personal reminder, to remind myself, that in around 3 months from now, when I get my results, and (IF) I have failed (I hope I get through)
I will not kick myself for wasting time listening to music, watching movies and not studying.
I will be happy that I actually enjoyed myself doing nothing important and not stressing myself, because life is about living and having fun, and not about exams.
I will remember the music
I will remember the freedom

Feed my will to feel this moment
Urging me to cross the line
Reaching out to embrace the random
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come