The room with the red wall. Everything is backwards. Again. My world, my thoughts, feelings and desired orbiting around me in reverse. Again. Everybody walks backwards, talks backwards, thinks backwards and drives in reverse. I am motionless watching this reversed parody of the world as I know it. The red wall smiles at me. Strobe lights appear from nowhere and cast their spell inside this little room. The music starts pulsating backwards. It’s the only thing that makes sense in reverse.
I want to punch the wall till I bleed. I want to paint the red wall again with blood. I want to bleed and let the pain become pleasure and let the pleasure caress my brain. I am in a fit of rage. Or is it ecstasy? I keep punching the walls until my knuckles are sore. My fist is weak, but my brain forgets to stop punching. I want to shed my skin, rip myself away from me. But how can I, when I can’t even shed my shadow?
Love turns to lust turns to something darker. Slow motion dreams in reverse. Where am I going? Or where am I coming from? What am I running from?
I hear his voice for the first time. Piercing my brain, he tells me what I want to hear, and I listen quietly, as the red wall looms in front of me. The paint begins to drip turning a shade darker. My mind blocks out everything except his voice. He tells me how to be, who to be, what to say, what to do. I am in a trance and I suffer my desires.
I sacrifice my mind to the unknown knowing well that it will not result in good. I split myself apart, until I don’t recognize myself and I can’t be put back together. I split myself until all I’m are shards of glass put together to resemble a cracked image. Who am I now? What do I believe? Where is my voice of reason? Now I see the world through a cracked glass. A cracked world in reverse. There is no turning back now.
The dark recess which I call home begs me to come back but I am too far gone.
Walking on the line
I never wanted to cross
Contemplating desire over loss
Took off the worn out mask
Soul searching in the mirror
Oh my love, for which is tainted
She holds me prisoner
In this comfortable cell
Yet I find this perfect reality
A little too close for comfort
I follow my shadow
As it leads me down
As far as it takes me
That’s where I believe
I rid myself of connection
And void myself of thought
I cross the line
I promised never to cross
And disconnect the dots
Till I’m left with the nothingness
That is empty
That is me
Fighting gravity, lose the white veil
Letting go of soul, let it fly
Into the reverie that I was promised
I’m lost again, a victim of my crime
Hide the pretentious scars
Heal myself on the surface
I need the deeper wounds to survive
I am only human, to myself I must remind
I will become what I’m chasing
A victim of my own crime
I feel separation when body meets floor
Surrendered from above
I can only see what I don’t feel
I can only feel what I don’t see
Weary yet blissful, a victim of my crime
I can’t save me, but I want you to try
I’ve touched the sky and kissed rock bottom
Looking for perfection in between
I want to feel your warmth for one last time
Save me, help me make up my own mind
I am what I am chasing
The victim of my crime
What have I become?
Another product of my own insanity, a conception of synthetic redemption, an idea progressed within my whims?
A new divide I created within, to make sense of the infinite futility that lies inside. Disconnecting each thought from the next, I separated my mind, picking out the thoughts, exploring them, developing them further. I progressed myself to create a conception of a whole new side which lay hidden for a long time. I awoke the demon that rested peacefully, occasionally stirred by a random thought. This progress to shatter the silence and break the psychological barriers that trapped me was a breath of fresh air. Finding new things, new ideas, and new emotions gave meaning to a life seduced by repetition. This was my adventure, my idea of an inward walkabout; a journey of soul searching.
I pushed my mind to new limits, challenging it in every possible moment with discipline, indulgence, abstinence and addiction. I ventured into the right and wrong, knowing where to draw the line. Thoughts, feelings and desires were examined, created, destroyed and modified to find the perfect harmony of friction. My mind became the safe place, the shelter I seek when I was tired of the world outside. I closed the door on this newfound compulsion and let no one in. I had the key, only I was allowed. What was once tacit was now full blown chaos. And I loved it, I loved the obscurity, I found it peaceful, and I still do.
I never realized I lost a grip on myself until I fell flat on the ground. At first it felt good to feel liberated, saying and doing things I never would have before. Then it all came crashing down on me like an inverted sea, like a chemical imbalance that cannot find equilibrium, an addiction that refused ejection from the system. I grew distant from the life I knew, I lost my filter, I lost the spectacles of perception I had and embraced a whole new psychedelic experience. I subdued my self to my whims. I disconnected. I separated.
Yes, I became a product of my own insanity, a conception of my synthetic redemption, an idea progressed within my whims. I stared into the darkness long enough for it to stare back at me. I liked what I saw, and I liked what I exposed. Now who I was, fights a defeated battle with who I am. I have created a monster. A monster that will exist till the day I make my choice to defeat it. Until that day, I will live in this disequilibrium finding peace in chaos, concord in friction and solace in obscurity.
Everything changes. Everything remains. Some call it degeneration, some call it progress. But it is what it is, and I am what I am. A figment of my imagination, I always will be.
On a night like this
We are two strangers
Pining for each other
Walking on the wrong path
Searching for a stolen heart
Disconnected from the screen
We found each other in
Keeping our faith on
This beautiful, beautiful night
Wishing on transient stars
That come out to shine
Yesterday was a wish that never came true, a brick wall that I ran into. Yesterday was an epitome to the paranoia inside. Everything that I had kept bottled up flooded out of my mind, like an angry swarm of bees. They surrounded me and hounded me, until they sucked me dry, until I lost the peace inside. I tried to smile yet I couldn’t get myself to believe in something further from the reality that I confided in.
In my eyes, you became a disappointment. Through the confusion that blurred my vision I tried to look closer. I saw what I never wanted to see. I saw the things that hurt me, dancing around, mocking me. It was a trap. A trap that I had set, on purpose, giving myself the benefit of the doubt, so that I can find out, and define the truth from the lie. Yet I got caught in it, and I became a victim of my own crime.
I guess I am the one who gave you a reason to look away. I’m the one who pushed you away. With my weird ways and the little world I created inside my mind, I pushed you out. Now it hurts to see you smile with them, when you ignore my eyes and look right through me. But I guess this was eventual, I should have seen it coming. But I was lost in the beauty that was created in front of my eyes to doubt reality between illusion.
I’m getting used to the rubble grazing my back and the debris around me. After all, it is something that I put there. An illusion made for me, by me. It comes together with the flaws that come from within. So next time you see me, there will be a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye, because I’m donning my favorite disguise. There will be laughter to drown the pain, there will be words to hide the shame, there will be smiles to show I’m sane, and my hands to show I am game. And through it all, deep inside, there will be that voice I can’t shut out, the voice that breaks me, silently whispering those words, letting them seep in through the fissures into the weakness of my mind. They will attack my brain and devour it, until there is nothing left but a laugh that is hollow, a smile that is fake, words that are empty and a hand that is spent, to show the world that I exist, yet hide that I’m not alive.
I feel disconnected from my brain. My memory is fading and there is a dark cloud where my thoughts used to be. I feel the little things in my mind slowly go out of focus. It’s like every piece of my memory is subject to spontaneous combustion. I try to salvage them but thus far, I have no luck. My head aches each time my thoughts ignite. I feel like I’m stumbling across my brain and I don’t know where I’m headed. It seems familiar, yet strange, like the feeling of déjà vu. I know I have been here before and experienced a similar feeling but I don’t what to attribute it to and when it happened. It’s like a dream that is playing over and over again. I can feel my thoughts floating around me. I reach out to grab them, but they flutter by, out of reach like butterflies.
Confusion is what I am made of right now. It is what urges me forward to find the answers and yet also holds me back. If this goes on, how will I end up? Without a single memory? Would I have to start again from scratch? Making my way back to where I am now, through all the trials and tribulations between here and square one? Will I make the same decisions? If change my course will I be the same person I am now? If I change my course, will I remember who I am now, at least subliminally, to compare myself with who I was before? If l look in the mirror will I recognize myself? Will I realize that I am actually looking into a mirror?
I feel the thoughts burning, crackling as they raze into oblivion. The inferno is overpowering me. My confusion strengthens the flames. I hit a brick wall. Inside my head, walls seem to spring up from nowhere. I look around; trying to make sense of the path, but it is difficult to see through the maze. Is this where I give up and say goodbye to my mind? Is this the end? What should I do when I’m afraid to let go of something I’m afraid to hold on to?