A new divide I created within, to make sense of the infinite futility that lies inside…

Posts tagged “fear

Ashes Of My Fears

Reality can’t see
What fantasy hides
I get lost in the truth
Find myself in a lie
You were but a dream
Now I’m not so sure
I used to be innocent
I’ve forgotten what’s pure
You were an illusion
A dream I dared to dream
Fading in to darkness
In the shadows of my whims
Until all that remained was
The ghost of a flickering flame
Fighting a losing battle
Against the winds of change


In The Valley Of A Thousand Dreams

Darkness descends
In the valley of a thousand dreams
A thousand sunsets
Ash blows in the wind
Where are you?
For who I yearn
As I tread this path

The body pleads for rest
The head prays for closure
But a light in the distance
Calls out to me
I follow the darkness
As it leads me in
Knee deep into the river of clarity
I bathe in the calm surrender
Of emptiness.

I can never cleanse my soul
For it lurks too deep in the shadows
But the light in the distance
Keeps me going
I follow the darkness
Though it wears me thin
As it pulls me in
Closer I see
In the distance
My mountain awaits…

Mountain of Wisdom by `YagaK

Free Falling

I feel disconnected from my brain. My memory is fading and there is a dark cloud where my thoughts used to be. I feel the little things in my mind slowly go out of focus. It’s like every piece of my memory is subject to spontaneous combustion. I try to salvage them but thus far, I have  no luck. My head aches each time my thoughts ignite. I feel like I’m stumbling across my brain and I don’t know where I’m headed. It seems familiar, yet strange, like the feeling of déjà vu. I know I have been here before and experienced a similar feeling but I don’t what to attribute it to and when it happened. It’s like a dream that is playing over and over again.  I can feel my thoughts floating around me. I reach out to grab them, but they flutter by, out of reach like butterflies.

Confusion is what I am made of right now. It is what urges me forward to find the answers and yet also holds me back. If this goes on, how will I end up? Without a single memory? Would I have to start again from scratch? Making my way back to where I am now, through all the trials and tribulations between here and square one? Will I make the same decisions? If change my course will I be the same person I am now? If I change my course, will I remember who I am now, at least subliminally, to compare myself with who I was before? If l look in the mirror will I recognize myself? Will I realize that I am actually looking into a mirror?

I feel the thoughts burning, crackling as they raze into oblivion. The inferno is overpowering me. My confusion strengthens the flames. I hit a brick wall. Inside my head, walls seem to spring up from nowhere. I look around; trying to make sense of the path, but it is difficult to see through the maze. Is this where I give up and say goodbye to my mind? Is this the end? What should I do when I’m afraid to let go of something I’m afraid to hold on to?

Way Out

Coming clean is the hardest thing
When I’m the victim of my crimes
The debris that was once a beautiful world
Now in the disarray that I left behind

How can I face myself and plead guilty
When regret is locked up inside
Inside the nothingness I took for granted
Is pain just a blessing in disguise?

If only words weren’t empty
And the tears didn’t sting my eyes
Would it make it easier
To live this life
If I could reverse reality
And let truth outshine the lies
Would it make it easier
To live this life

I never knew I’m falling until I hit the ground
And now I lie there broken waiting to be found
I close my eyes to look for a world sincere
The search is over now, but I’m still lying here

Waiting for someone to cure my disease
Waded out into the past trying to find relief
When bliss is synthetic, hate becomes a sport
Nothing is ever a mistake until you get caught

If fear was only a dream
And I had the strength to fight
Would it make it easier
To live this life
If I could erase the past
And define wrong from right
Would it make it easier
To live this life

Creative Commons License
Way Out is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License

The Placebo Effect II

I watched her burn every memory
Everything she knew she had of me
She locked herself in her panic room
And danced alone to a sorrowful tune
I won’t take the drugs, she promised me
But now she’s trying hard to put her soul to sleep
Her silence gives me hope
But there’s an eclipse in her eyes
Tempting me to read her lies
The world within, I can’t deny
And just when she thought it was over
She realized it had just begun
Just when she thought she could face the truth
She realized it’s too late to run
To take apart the pieces and undo her dreams
Her leaking eyes spill the truth behind the screen
Trapped in a place where truth and pain collide
Unto a different world she’ll step tonight
In blind obedience for renaissance she will fight

Creative Commons License
The Placebo Effect II is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License

Dance with the Devil

My complications seem to complete you
My tribulations seem to soothe you
I’ve become a victim of the bitter truth
I put myself together but came unglued

I broke the chains but I don’t feel free
I opened my eyes to something I can’t see
I’ll take the shame over my dead body
I feel the pain but where’s the glory

I came a long way until I finally realized
On the wrong road trying to make things right
Tried so hard to not get blinded by the light
I have to open my eyes to find my way tonight

I broke the chains but I don’t feel free
I opened my eyes to something I can’t see
I’ll take the shame over my dead body
I feel the pain but where’s the glory

Blood stains on the ground, my face is stained with tears
My daily façade has been washed away by my fears
Looking for escape, looking for that moment to run
Don’t pull the trigger; I’m on the wrong side of the gun

Creative Commons License
Dance with the Devil is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License

When the Sun Sets on Me…

…I will be walking down this road where I began my journey. I don’t need a light; my eyes have got accustomed to the dark of my previous journeys.  I have stumbled and fallen but I made it through. So now I’m not afraid to walk in the dark. It’s inviting. I love the way it pulls me in closer, enticing me to touch the void before me. Teaching me new things, teaching me to love what I have, teaching me to be who I want to be. And as I walk on, I smile; the darkness can see me smiling, because I am one with the darkness. To the darkness, I am absolute and it is grateful for my presence, my appreciation and my understanding. It was there to save me when I was blinded by the light. It was there for me when I needed to get lost. It let me build a world of my own, one where I’m free.  It knows that I’m not afraid anymore.

Sometime ago, I reached an apex of fear which shattered my mind and sent me reeling. As I picked up the pieces I realized that the only fear I have is the fear for myself. The fear that I will not be capable of handling what I want to do. The fear that I will not be able to be the man that I have to be. The fear that overrides every other emotion in my body and leaves me numb.

I am learning to let go of that fear, slowly. I realized that a shattered soul can be picked up and mended again. I also learnt that when we break once, we are never fully made again. We can put the pieces back together but you can never fill the cracks left, the cracks of the little pieces that get lost. These cracks become the doorway to new pain. When you close yourself to the world and rid yourself of all emotion because you are afraid to get hurt again, pain seeps in through these cracks and reminds us that we are only human and we are allowed to fall. It reminds us why we have to pick ourselves up again. The way I see it pain is just a reminder for us to keep going, it is like a negative stimulant to help us fight.

It was the darkness that taught me this and made me realize. The darkness knows that I have what it takes. We all do. It knows because it is watching, it always was and always will. This is my silent token of gratitude for being the comfort that I wrapped around myself, for shielding me from the light until I was ready to face it, for teaching me that pain is temporary but fear is permanent, for helping me face that fear, for showing me how to stand up tall when I felt like I couldn’t even crawl. Here’s to the darkness. Appreciate it; sometimes it’s all we got.