A new divide I created within, to make sense of the infinite futility that lies inside…

Posts tagged “mind

The Battle

Weakness of the heart
Eclipsed by the strength of the mind
My mind which shuts the door
On all the words
My heart wants to say to you
And as this cacophony of silence
resonates within
I live a lie
As you live blind

My mind won the battle
I lost the war


esreveR nI

Wall by ~Sotherby

The room with the red wall. Everything is backwards. Again. My world, my thoughts, feelings and desired orbiting around me in reverse. Again. Everybody walks backwards, talks backwards, thinks backwards and drives in reverse. I am motionless watching this reversed parody of the world as I know it. The red wall smiles at me. Strobe lights appear from nowhere and cast their spell inside this little room. The music starts pulsating backwards. It’s the only thing that makes sense in reverse.

I want to punch the wall till I bleed. I want to paint the red wall again with blood. I want to bleed and let the pain become pleasure and let the pleasure caress my brain. I am in a fit of rage. Or is it ecstasy? I keep punching the walls until my knuckles are sore. My fist is weak, but my brain forgets to stop punching. I want to shed my skin, rip myself away from me. But how can I, when I can’t even shed my shadow?

Love turns to lust turns to something darker. Slow motion dreams in reverse. Where am I going? Or where am I coming from? What am I running from?

I hear his voice for the first time. Piercing my brain, he tells me what I want to hear, and I listen quietly, as the red wall looms in front of me. The paint begins to drip turning a shade darker. My mind blocks out everything except his voice. He tells me how to be, who to be, what to say, what to do. I am in a trance and I suffer my desires.

I sacrifice my mind to the unknown knowing well that it will not result in good. I split myself apart, until I don’t recognize myself and I can’t be put back together. I split myself until all I’m are shards of glass put together to resemble a cracked image. Who am I now? What do I believe? Where is my voice of reason? Now I see the world through a cracked glass. A cracked world in reverse. There is no turning back now.

The dark recess which I call home begs me to come back but I am too far gone.


This moment
This frame of mind
I’m inside
Right here
Right now
Press pause and keep
My mind from running
Past this perfect place
I’ve created in my head
Stop the pretense
Kill the voices
Let me linger in this bliss
So that I can fight
The sin inside
With this strong serenity
This calm, this harmony
Right here
Right now
This is where I want to be
This is how I want to think
I just want my mind to feel
Free, again
The way it used to feel


I didn’t know what to do when I looked into the mirror and saw another face in there. It wasn’t my face, it was someone else’s.  There in the darkness staring back me was the face of a stranger. You. I expected to see my face in the mirror, but what should have been my face had been replaced. That sight fucked my head up. I thought I was dreaming. My heart skipped a few beats in initial shock. I looked at myself again. But it wasn’t me staring back at me. It was you. Your eyes boring into mine, just like my eyes bore into your eyes, looking for an answer.

You. The stranger.

What do I do now? I’m afraid. But, do I run in fear or let my curiosity take the better of me and stay? Curiosity killed the cat. But I’m no pussy. I stay. All I see is your face. The questions run inside my head, leaving dusty thoughts unsettled. Who are you? Where am I? What the fuck is happening?!

Why can’t I see my face? I ask you. You ask me the same question. You close your eyes and open them, as I do the same. Where is my face? Are you my face? Am I you? Is this really me? What if it is? Then who am I? Who have I been living as for so long? Who did I see to perceive myself as me? Where did I create the image that is me?

What is my face?

Am I the person in the mirror? Is the mirror real?

Am I you?

What if I was in the mirror all along? And through the mirror was the real world where you are, and I believed all along that I’m in the real world? Is my reflection the reality, or am I the reflection? If I was the reflection, how did my life feel real? Was it real? If this felt real, how real would reality feel? Would I feel everything I’m numb to now? Would I feel pain.. love.. pleasure.. faith…? Would a step into reality through the looking glass ebb away the cold numbing winds embracing me? Will I feel the warmth?  Would I hear what I long to hear but which I was never meant to? Would I see everything I am blind to? Would I feel.

But I don’t. Reality doesn’t feel so real.

I hear nothing. I see nothing. I feel.. I feel empty. Like I did before. On the other side. Is nothing different?. Am I inside two identical parallel universes? Two identical organisms inside two different images.What is real now, when the two sides to this story, are the same? Am I the mask? Am I the face?

Am I real? Am I empty?

I am. I am empty.

After all, I am my own reflection. How real could I be?

It Won't Be Me

Bleeding before my eyes
You reach out for me
A beseeching look in your eyes
My mind tells me to reach out for you
My heart tells me to look away
In a battle of senses I lag behind
And the loser becomes my mind

But I’m sorry
It’s something I can’t explain
Don’t worry
Somebody will come your way
And help you up on your feet
But tonight it just won’t be me
It won’t be me

Bleeding before my eyes
You haunt me in my dreams
I make excuses for myself
But I know that I can’t escape
This reciprocal pain
So I’ll try to close my eyes
Overlook my mind
And try to find, peace inside

And all I can say is

I’m sorry
It’s something I can’t explain
Don’t worry
Somebody will come your way
And help you up on your feet
But tonight it just won’t be me
It won’t be me

I hope you find peace of mind
Without me
I hope you find beauty in life
Without me
Without me
Without me, tonight

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It Won’t Be Me is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.